Now I see myself completly someone else

You know it is really kind of sad. I have been trying to think about the last time I really trully enjoyed a Christmas. A time, any time when I haven't been affected by some sort of deep and hollow sadness. Don't get me wrong, there have been times when I have been absolutely happy. Some more easily remembered than others butI have been on a search, kind of a personal journey so to speak to find out were this overwellming sadness comes from. I have yet to find the source but I do have several ideas... Anyway, these moods have always sort of rode the holidays or any other special event (I don't recall even a trip to the fair that ended well) one might spend with family or friends. It is kind of strange that most of the time I am just blissfully unaware then out of the blue it just hits me.