The hidden compass

Sorry for the large gap since last post. Things have been hectic as always at this time of year. I am completely exhausted and need about a months worth of sleep... am currently reading a book on SQ. Like IQ or EQ but having to do with the spiritual instead of the inteligence or emotions. Learning about the "God Spot" in the brain and other wonderfuly interesting things. Well I really ought to go. More later.

sleep...

Lately, I seem to be having trouble sleeping. For now the dreams have stopped. I just lay awake and toss and turn. I guess I just have a lot on my mind right now and every time I think I have come to terms with things in my life, things go smooth for a while and then wham!!! the same issue comes back to haunt me. Somehow it seems like I am avoiding them but I don't, I cant. I guess it is just the fact that not all of us heal and move on as fast as others. Sometimes it seems like others move on and it is really avoidance of issues discuised (sp) as healling. I guess I am just slow and that is ok but sometimes I wish that I didnt give a shit and I could just walk away like everyone else seems to. Anyway, so I cant sleep. and that sucks because I believe that dreams allow each and everyone of us to go completely and utterly insane for at least a short time every night and I need that. Especially right now. They also seem to me to give me relavent information for my soul.

Breath in the Present, Breath out the Past.

Funny to me how things change. People, places, things all of these change. Funny also how they stay exactly the same. I want to look to the future and in some ways I am. In others I feel bound by the past. I try so hard to be present right here and now but it is always influenced by what has come before. I do not know if this is some sort of personal shortcoming or if it is just part of the human condition. Focus on the breath. Breath in. Breath out. Seems like I have a lot more breathing out to do and nothing to breath in.

Spiders from Mars

Last nights dream is a little stranger than most. I was getting out of the shower and saw a spider , yes a spider and not a little one. After killing it I hung it up with the necklaces. It was aproximately 9 inches from tip to toe. Long, thin and covered with black hair, not typical spider hair but something more like fur approximately an inch long. Kinda creepy.

riding with my enemies

Last nights dream again very strange. Riding what seemed to be an endless escalator. Actually three side by side. surrounded by people everywhere. just kept moving up and up. Not a bad dream just strange.

Truth?

I have been thinking alot about truth and honesty lately... I do believe, and this may be a slightly jaded opinion, that there are multiple types of truth. The difference is largely dependent on the outcome of expressing "the truth". See, I believe that one of the kinds of truth/honesty is the type that heals and brings unity. I also believe that one of the other kinds of truth is the type that causes hurt, pain and confusion. I feel that the way "the truth" is presented is a large part of the problem that I see. Trying to force someone to see your truth is a destructive reality. True or not, it damages. More from the forcing than from the honest reality presented. Rejection does not have to be actual for it to be percieved. Even percieved rejection damages because it is real for one person. Perhaps even more so because it is not real for the other so it is never corrected. It seems that "truth" is perhaps the most subjective thing out there. One person can believe it with all their heart and another will just reject it because they cannot or will not believe that it is real. I find that in my life the truth is almost always a destructive force weilded by people and used to punish and damage others or put them in their place or make them see from someone elses perspective. It is still the cold reality of truth but the delivery is what makes the difference.

Recently I have been speaking the truth for the first time in a long time. I truly hope it is the type that heals and not the type that wounds.