...

Above, not a tile to cover the head;
Below, not an inch of ground for the foot.

You know when you found it

'cause you feel it when they take it away.

I guess I will never understand.
At this point I am not sure why I ever believed she would stay. Some times I feel like she has been leaving me since she met me. Even the night of our first kiss she ran down the street, just to get away, or so it seemed to me. It never seemed like she believed that I wanted to be with her. During the course of our relationship she left 4 times in 6 years so I guess I am just foolish for having believed/hoped she might stay. I guess I never was a very good judge of people. (My ex-wife is a junkie that steals from our children.)You know at a certain point a man gets tired of asking a woman to stay.
I guess ultimately it is my fault. In the end it all boils down to this. When she needed me, really needed me, I let her down. I will carry that around for the rest of my life. I understand if she never forgives me for that no matter how much I appologize or say I'm sorry.
You know it always seemed to me that she could never live down Jessica. I am not sure why. To Jessica I was only a "test". When she realized she could live without me, she married Cain and lives in another city. Excuse me for caring for someone else before I ever met you.

A please know that I loved you with all my heart. I understand that was not enough for you and I am sorry. My big regret is that I was never able to make you happy. but I guess I am pretty good at hurting you or making you mad.

Is it the red wire or the blue wire?____Just pick one and cut

because it just doesn't matter anymore.

Well, needless to say I had a messed up weekend. Things had been going along just fine... but, well lets just say they didn't end up that way.
Saw skating wednesday, friday and saturday morn. Friday night I saw the Matt Russell show. Just cruising thru the weekend you know. But then my brain just comes around to mess with me. Lets just say I thought I saw someone. Not the red hair punky version but the shoulder length brunette version. A dead ringer. Not someone who reminded me of, but spot on. She was walking thru the crowd coming toward me then turned and walked away in front of me. She was holding a young child. And then she was gone. You know I am not even sure I saw her. Head check. So anyway. My mind gets away from me sometimes, you know. Well needless to say I ended up drinking three bottles of wine instead of one. I also broke down and had a smoke. It was a Drew Estates "natural" Juicy Lucy. So I am not sure if that counts.
last night,(sunday night) I couldn't sleep I woke up at 3 am and just couldn't get back to sleep so I got up at 5 am just because laying there wasn't doing me any good. anyway that was my exciting weekend.

some accidental beauty

Pat Woods

When I lived in Seattle, I was friends with a gentleman by the name of Pat Woods. He was/is a brilliant artist. Above is one of his paintings. He is Brilliant as far as I have seen. Pat, if your out there, I wish you well.

Landlocked in bodies that don't keep

So, I have been attending the U.S. Figure Skating Championships here in Spokane... and it seems to me that first hand and formost the problem with this sport lies in the judging.

Watching the championship pairs short program last night it seemed clear that the judges had favorites. At the end of the night the pair in first (Rena Inoue and John Baldwin with a stunning 62.73 points. Highlight: throw triple axel, error: she steped out.) was the one that had delivered the dryest performance of them all. It also appeaed to my novice eyes that they were not "technicaly" more proficient either. The second place pair (Naomi Nari Nam and Themi Leftheris ended up 1/2 a point behind, Highlight: throw triple loop) delivered a much more passionate performance to a wonderful tango track. The crowd actually booed the judges. And in by far my favorite performance of the night and obviously the one the crowd liked the most (BrookeCastile and Ben Okolski landed a giant triple twist) they placed a lowly third. I guess everyone performed/skated really well and as I am no expert, I am left to trust the judges, but it just seemed a little shystey/suspect/fishy to me.

I may have more to say after the pairs finals on friday and/or the ladies finals on saturday but I doubt it.

He screams. She bites.

Shoveling snow just to park makes me thirsty

Gathering wood for the fire

20 degrees and 2 feet of snow cant stop the fire on the beach

Breaking trail to a beautiful view above the lake.

without the snowshoes this would have been virtualy impossible.

Rumor

Rumor has it there is 20 plus inches of snow at the lake level with another 5" possible tonight. wish me luck. I hope I dont freeze my ass off. should be a lot of fun. Back monday. Maybe I'll post some pictures.

Genmai Cha

So today Mieko gave me a bag of Genmai Cha. Her mother sent it from japan. Aparently she lives in or near Shizuoka, which is considered to be Japan's premier tea region. I have enjoyed Genmai Cha before but this bag is exceptionaly good. It brews up a brilliant green with the warm aroma of roasted rice. The flavour is lightly vegetal and very subtle. Delicious. I can't read a word on the bag but perhaps I will sit down to try and translate some.

northern Idaho in the snow.

So it seems that Chris and I are going to the cabin for the weekend. Call it an adventure. Maybe dog sled up to granite falls, snow shoe or snowmobile or somthing. The main reason is to make sure no trees fell thru the cabin because of all that wind. Fun time to go what with no water on and possibly no power. Big fire and more beer is probably the name of the weekend. should be fun to see if the lake is frozen solid yet. I guess back in the day they used to drive trucks across it in the winter. cold if you fall thru.

Snow

It has been cold here lately, but one of the things I like is when it is this cold, the snow actually sparkles. Looks like glitter in the air creating columns of light in the night as it falls. it shines on the ground as well. not like the dull snow we see all the time, but somehow better.

But, when the tide rises and sharks are around,
His voice has a timid and tremulous sound.

Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

moonwalking birds

I saw this the other day on pbs. These manakins are pretty amazing.
the slide is pretty cool.

NAKED,BLEEDING, HOLDING A KNIFE.

Yes, that is me refrenced in the title of the post... So, the night before last I awoke with a start to the sound of shattering glass. You know that electric feeling when the adrenaline is pumping? Yeah, I had it. I flew out of bed grabing the nearest tool for my defense and hauled ass out into the hallway were I abruptly stoped. See I thought someone had broke into my home. the reality was the breaking glass was from the light shade in the hall. It had apparently fallen to the floor and shattered and now I am standing naked bleeding and holding a knife on shattered glass in the hall. Not my Idea of a good nights sleep. You know it definitly takes a little while to wind down after that kind of experience. So I picked the glass out of my feet and tried to go back to sleep. Needless to say I am still tired.

7soundhouse

I have loved music for as long as I can remember. I cannot think of a time when music has not been part of my life. I am either listening to it or wishing I was listening to it. Sometimes I am making it. As this is the case and I love having my own opinion, I thought I might start reviewing records just as a way of following my passion.
Please remember that I am not a writer. These are just my opinions on music that has passed over my ears recently. I hope to cover everything from japanese noise to classical so don't be suprised.
Hopefully I find I have something worth saying.

Cuprous oxide displays the photoelectric effect

and has a wonderful red color.

Well, don't really have anything to say today. Just thinking about going to the Angie Aparo show tonight at the Empyrean. Apparently after it closed down some friends of Tracys bought it and reopened at christmas. The show last friday was good. Matt Russell, Matt Winters, Dave Hannon, and Wonder & Kim. Not a bad lineup. Think of it, art gallery, tattoo parlor, coffee shop and live music all in the same building. Perhaps I'll get some new plugs... and hope the whiskey dulls the pain.


"in the elder days of art
Builders wrought with greatest care
each minute and unseen part,
for the Gods are everywhere."
-Longfellow

a hanging (live)

long SWANS video
help spread the love.

part 1


part2

I dreamed I stopped dreaming

I'm not who I used to be.

The needle says she'll tell you when she's thru.

DREAM

Ice T and I are out shooting cops.
He is wearing a John Wayne t shirt
I am wearing a Jack Palance t shirt
they are good propaganda looking things
like the classic image of Che' we all know and love
the city is wet.
it is all shine and neon
colored, reflected light
it is night.
we decide it is time
to look for wandering wolf.
looking into a puddle
I realize I am floating
in the puddle of a silver mirror
it begins to rain
but the drops that fall are not water
they are thoughts, ideas and memories
and they rain down on me without stopping

Thank you Jezebelle

So I have recieved a "toast" from Jezebelle. It seems funny since I havn't heard from her in a while. But, I do appreciate it very much. I do think that 2006 will never qualify for being called my favorite year. There are good ones and there are bad ones. I believe 2006 qualifies as the later. I do feel 2007 is going to be good for multiple reasons. 1) it has my number in it. 2) I saw a deer outside my home at christmas. (good omen kind of thing). 3) there really is no where to go but up. 4) After some time (1 year to be exact) I believe I may finally be finishing grieving.

But, so starts the difficulty. See I believe that whenever a long term relationship falls apart there are so many different overwhelming feelings. Loneliness, fear, frustration, guilt etc just to name a few. And after you have dealt with all of those, it still takes some time to get excited about being single again (or at least I feel it should). and then, just when you get excited about being single again you end up at the realization that finding some one you want to be with, you know, a quality girl is much easier said than done.

Don't get me wrong, there are lots of nice girls out there. they just dont feel right to me. I "need" to feel some sort of spiritual connection. Maybe I am just too picky but I find it impossible to just be with the next thing that comes along. I need to be drawn in even though I try to fight it. To be, unable to resist it. I guess it is my test to make sure it is real.

Anyway, I do believe this is going to be a good year.
I want to thank Jezebelle for her kind words.
It was nice to hear from her.

"all the things you broke in me
were mostly broken anyway"

Within the depths of a darkened forest

he wished to create the attitude of a newly awakened soul still lingering among shadowy dreams of the past, yet bathing in the sweet unconsciousness of a mellow light, and yearning for the freedom that lay in the expanse beyond.
-Okakura Kakuzo

http://anisaromero.com/index.html

" L'imagination est plus importante que le savoir"

EVIL JUNGLE PRINCE WITH CHICKEN

Ingredients:
1/2 lb. boneless chicken breast
2-6 small red chili peppers
1/2 stalk fresh lemon grass
3 kaffir lime leaves
2 Tbsp. oil
1/2 Cup coconut milk
1/2 Tsp salt
4 Tblsp. fish sauce, based on personal taste
15-20 basil leaves
1 Cup chopped cabbage

Makes 3 - 4 servings

Thinly cut chicken into 2-inch strips.
Grind together red chili peppers, lemon grass, and kaffir lime leaves in a food processor or pound in a mortar.
Heat oil to medium-high and saute pepper mixture for 3 minutes.
Stir in coconut milk and cook for 2 minutes.
Add chicken and cook for 5 minutes or until cooked.
Reduce heat to medium-low.
Stir in fish sauce, salt, and basil.
Serve on a bed of chopped cabbage.
Note: For vegetable version, replace chicken with vegis. Choose from among bell peppers, string beans, water chestnuts, tomatoes (small cherry tomatoes are best), bamboo shoots , miniature corn, asparagus, cucumbers, zucchini, Japanese eggplant, and mushrooms.

red memory breathes salt

Ive been thinking lately about things I miss. When I lived in newcastle I used to enjoy hiking to red town. A rather easy hike from my apartment. backwards I suppose if you were to follow the trail head. I actualy prefered to jog/run through the woods rather than follow the trail but regardless I do miss that hike.
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/getaways/52992_hike03.shtml

The thing that sticks with me the most is the smell. I miss the smell and I'm not talking about the tacoma aroma. See, when you are driving over the pass, at a certain point the air changes. Suddenly out of nowhere you can smell the sea. The Ocean. Salt water. It is odd to me that when you are there you dont really notice it. It is only when you are gone for a while and then go back that you realize what has been floating around in your head.You knew what it was but couldnt quite put your finger on it. For me its the smell. I love it. I miss it.

I miss many other things including shopping at Uwajimaya for ingredients that are hard to find elswhere.

In case there was any doubt

This is my oldest daughter.
I love her absolutely.
I miss her always.
Watching this makes me smile and laugh and cry.

The needle blunts the sun

just as
time blunts the memory

I am currently very fascinated by these paintings.
http://www.vika.org/
The artist is Victoria Brace

When they put me in the ground

this is one of the songs I hope they play.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCHxnuuVfr4
I was going to embed it but apparently they disabled it.

Sorry to start the new year with such a depressing thought but it seems to be ending last year that way. Man I sure am glad 2006 is over. To many deaths, illnesses etc.

My brother Mike is in surgery this morning. Our thoughts are with him.

"Only that day dawns to which we are awake"
HENERY DAVID THOREAU, Walden