All my barriers are showing

Well this year for Christmas I thought I would take myself out for Chinese because I have this strange affinity for the humor of it... (based on "a Christmas story") I had Dim Sum, not duck, but the english was just as bad. Very excellent food none the less. 4 Sesame balls, 3 lotus seed buns, 4 seafood shu mai, 4 chicken meatballs and 4 waterlily leaf chicken and sticky rice. A wonderful christmas meal. Funny, the young asian girl said "I see you before" when I walked in. It was my first time there. So I sat, Eating my dim sum, watching "The Transporter" playing on the television in the background. Not too bad for a Christmas memory.

Thank You My Angel

thank you my angel
for blessing me
with these words and for giving me
what i was hungry for
taste of dirt
from the floor of heaven

thank you my angel
for cutting off my hands
forbidding me
to trace the lines of this miracle
across the great divide
for making love a foreign language

thank you my angel
for fluttering
out my window for telling me
all those lies about myself
it was your way of bandaging the bleeding

thank you my angel
for the clutter of my life
for dragging me
to the edge of the wilderness
to lie here by myself
just outside the land of promise

You must be certain of the devil...

I could feel her prescence as I lay in bed preparing to go to sleep. She was all around me, inside me, plucking at my brain and pushing into my eyes in spite of the enclosing darkness. Then, very clearly and very quietly, right behind my head, she said, "die young." and disappeared.

These thorns are yours

Current listening:

THE TEAR GARDEN

TIRED EYES SLOWLY BURNING

lets spread some christmas cheer

I'll drink the moonlight from your hands
I'll swim an ocean filled with sorrow
no lover please don't go
we can crucify tomorrow
let the sunlight feed the air
let it fill our lungs with lies
we'll be memorized by shadows
but our loneliness will survive.

now the sugar in your soft voice
makes the sweetness in your weeping
and the black rose that you swallowed
feeds the solitude you're dreaming
no I'll never taste your tears again
in the darkness that we're breathing in
now the sun will kill the garden
in a universe thats bleeding.

I want to

LOOM.
So, this time of year is starting to get to me. Thinking about the holidays you know. Never really a stable time for me, but darker and more difficult this time thru. I am trying and maybe I will get there you never know. I guess I will just spend my christmas with everyone else that is spending it alone. Anyway I am starting to get irritated so I guess I'd better go.

I feel power, flowing through my veins and out my eyes

... the world cannot be analyzed correctly into distinct parts; instead must be regarded as an indivisible unit in which seperate parts appear as valid approximations only in the classical [i.e., newtonian] limit... Thus at the quantum level of accuracy , an object does not have any "intrinsic" properties (for instance wave or particle) belonging to itself alone;instead, it shares all its properties mutually and indivisibly with the systems with which it interacts.

David Bohm, Quantum theory. Prentice-Hall, New Jersey, 1958 pp 161-162.

It is hard at times to believe that all things are connected. And other times it just makes sense. I find Myself (ie my ego) at odds with it. I like to think of myself as seperate. But I also know and rely on the fact that all things are connected. I cant escape...

Further clarification of "cat power"

I believe it is pronounced shawn. Chan Marshall, is amazing. I think everyone should buy them all.

found on flicker

Amazing photo found on flickr.

This years winner...

for most traumatic holiday ad campaign goes to the diamond commercial with the man and woman laying in bed. he sneeks off and gets her gift then places a diamond necklace around her neck and pretends to be sleeping. she wakes up and its all love and kisses. They gained bonus points for the devastating song in the background. funny how such a simple song can reach in and crush you.

Speaking of songs and there ability to elicite emotion, Last night I woke up at midnight with a start. I had a song running around in my head. It is so rare that I dream music. its been years. It was a sad and beautiful song, sung by a woman then a man accompanied by a piano. I wish I could remember the words. Or remember where or if I heard it before. needless to say I laid awake for several hours with this melody running around my head.

Heartwarming thoughts for the holidays

borrowed from another site...

"...put on a brave smile and pretend all is perfect in their life and forget the alcoholism, child abuse, neglect, drug abuse, incarceration, mental illness, codependency, and all of the other dysfunctional behaviors that cripple individuals and destroy families."

Sadly I believe all interaction between two people is and will be disfunctional simply because it involves two people. I am as guilty as everyone else.

you know it is funny

So after the one hour stretching routine I performed on sunday, I just had no motivation. I laid on the couch all day. watching the t.v. and just letting the tears flow. I know, that is kind of funny and I really have no Idea why. I was just overwhelmed by an immense dark saddness. An emptiness. A loss. Of what I have no Idea but devestating none the less. The old lonely man cries empty tears for unknown reasons.

Sadly, the air between us became tigers...again

You know it is funny and sad that things have to be this way. I hate the fact that this stuff is always coming up. We do seem to get along fine. Most of the time anyway. I do however find it funny that if she gets mad at me and goes off, then I just have to deal with it. But, if I get upset at her and vent a little, I am the devil. It does always seem to me to revolve around one thing. I feel like every other conversation I am being reminded that, "things are different now" or "I will not be alone" etc. the funny thing is there is not a chance i could forget or would. I am reminded of it every day I get up alone from my empty bed to my empty apartment to go to work and come home alone. Believe me I am painfully aware that things are different now and I dont want to be reminded every time I talk with her. Sadly, sometimes I feel like my life would be easier, not better mind you, just easier if I never had to see or hear from her again. It disgusts me that I am not a strong enough person to deal with it.

Grinding the bones again

Seems like some things never change. They continue to punish me for my sins and yes I am guilty but not in the way you might think. Things are fine until someone comes along and fucks with me. Yes things are different now. You really have no idea. I am destroyed. And its my fault because I gave them the power to do it. But don't expect me to like it. Do not expect me to say that it is O.K. because it is not. It was your choice. It always was. Dont expect me to act like I dont give a shit. It rips my apart. If you go out of your way to come to my town to go to a concert with your new boy, even though you know I am going to be there. That is just mean. Even if you think you are just coming to town to see an "old friend" you have not seen in years. You know that it bothers me but you just dont give a shit. You never did. Why are you nice for a little while and then try to force me to look at your great new life without me. It is outside my reality and always will be.

Funny, finding I'm not there yet.

Healing

I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.

and it is not because the mechanism is working

wrongly that I am ill.

I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep

emotional self

and the wounds to the soul take a long, long time, only

time can help

and patience, and a certain difficult repentance

long, difficult repentance, realisation of life's mistake,

and freeing oneself

from the endless repetition of this mistake

which mankind at large has chosen to sanctify

D. H. Lawrence