I feel power, flowing through my veins and out my eyes

... the world cannot be analyzed correctly into distinct parts; instead must be regarded as an indivisible unit in which seperate parts appear as valid approximations only in the classical [i.e., newtonian] limit... Thus at the quantum level of accuracy , an object does not have any "intrinsic" properties (for instance wave or particle) belonging to itself alone;instead, it shares all its properties mutually and indivisibly with the systems with which it interacts.

David Bohm, Quantum theory. Prentice-Hall, New Jersey, 1958 pp 161-162.

It is hard at times to believe that all things are connected. And other times it just makes sense. I find Myself (ie my ego) at odds with it. I like to think of myself as seperate. But I also know and rely on the fact that all things are connected. I cant escape...

Further clarification of "cat power"

I believe it is pronounced shawn. Chan Marshall, is amazing. I think everyone should buy them all.

found on flicker

Amazing photo found on flickr.

This years winner...

for most traumatic holiday ad campaign goes to the diamond commercial with the man and woman laying in bed. he sneeks off and gets her gift then places a diamond necklace around her neck and pretends to be sleeping. she wakes up and its all love and kisses. They gained bonus points for the devastating song in the background. funny how such a simple song can reach in and crush you.

Speaking of songs and there ability to elicite emotion, Last night I woke up at midnight with a start. I had a song running around in my head. It is so rare that I dream music. its been years. It was a sad and beautiful song, sung by a woman then a man accompanied by a piano. I wish I could remember the words. Or remember where or if I heard it before. needless to say I laid awake for several hours with this melody running around my head.

Heartwarming thoughts for the holidays

borrowed from another site...

"...put on a brave smile and pretend all is perfect in their life and forget the alcoholism, child abuse, neglect, drug abuse, incarceration, mental illness, codependency, and all of the other dysfunctional behaviors that cripple individuals and destroy families."

Sadly I believe all interaction between two people is and will be disfunctional simply because it involves two people. I am as guilty as everyone else.

you know it is funny

So after the one hour stretching routine I performed on sunday, I just had no motivation. I laid on the couch all day. watching the t.v. and just letting the tears flow. I know, that is kind of funny and I really have no Idea why. I was just overwhelmed by an immense dark saddness. An emptiness. A loss. Of what I have no Idea but devestating none the less. The old lonely man cries empty tears for unknown reasons.

Sadly, the air between us became tigers...again

You know it is funny and sad that things have to be this way. I hate the fact that this stuff is always coming up. We do seem to get along fine. Most of the time anyway. I do however find it funny that if she gets mad at me and goes off, then I just have to deal with it. But, if I get upset at her and vent a little, I am the devil. It does always seem to me to revolve around one thing. I feel like every other conversation I am being reminded that, "things are different now" or "I will not be alone" etc. the funny thing is there is not a chance i could forget or would. I am reminded of it every day I get up alone from my empty bed to my empty apartment to go to work and come home alone. Believe me I am painfully aware that things are different now and I dont want to be reminded every time I talk with her. Sadly, sometimes I feel like my life would be easier, not better mind you, just easier if I never had to see or hear from her again. It disgusts me that I am not a strong enough person to deal with it.

Grinding the bones again

Seems like some things never change. They continue to punish me for my sins and yes I am guilty but not in the way you might think. Things are fine until someone comes along and fucks with me. Yes things are different now. You really have no idea. I am destroyed. And its my fault because I gave them the power to do it. But don't expect me to like it. Do not expect me to say that it is O.K. because it is not. It was your choice. It always was. Dont expect me to act like I dont give a shit. It rips my apart. If you go out of your way to come to my town to go to a concert with your new boy, even though you know I am going to be there. That is just mean. Even if you think you are just coming to town to see an "old friend" you have not seen in years. You know that it bothers me but you just dont give a shit. You never did. Why are you nice for a little while and then try to force me to look at your great new life without me. It is outside my reality and always will be.

Funny, finding I'm not there yet.

Healing

I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.

and it is not because the mechanism is working

wrongly that I am ill.

I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep

emotional self

and the wounds to the soul take a long, long time, only

time can help

and patience, and a certain difficult repentance

long, difficult repentance, realisation of life's mistake,

and freeing oneself

from the endless repetition of this mistake

which mankind at large has chosen to sanctify

D. H. Lawrence

The hidden compass

Sorry for the large gap since last post. Things have been hectic as always at this time of year. I am completely exhausted and need about a months worth of sleep... am currently reading a book on SQ. Like IQ or EQ but having to do with the spiritual instead of the inteligence or emotions. Learning about the "God Spot" in the brain and other wonderfuly interesting things. Well I really ought to go. More later.

sleep...

Lately, I seem to be having trouble sleeping. For now the dreams have stopped. I just lay awake and toss and turn. I guess I just have a lot on my mind right now and every time I think I have come to terms with things in my life, things go smooth for a while and then wham!!! the same issue comes back to haunt me. Somehow it seems like I am avoiding them but I don't, I cant. I guess it is just the fact that not all of us heal and move on as fast as others. Sometimes it seems like others move on and it is really avoidance of issues discuised (sp) as healling. I guess I am just slow and that is ok but sometimes I wish that I didnt give a shit and I could just walk away like everyone else seems to. Anyway, so I cant sleep. and that sucks because I believe that dreams allow each and everyone of us to go completely and utterly insane for at least a short time every night and I need that. Especially right now. They also seem to me to give me relavent information for my soul.

Breath in the Present, Breath out the Past.

Funny to me how things change. People, places, things all of these change. Funny also how they stay exactly the same. I want to look to the future and in some ways I am. In others I feel bound by the past. I try so hard to be present right here and now but it is always influenced by what has come before. I do not know if this is some sort of personal shortcoming or if it is just part of the human condition. Focus on the breath. Breath in. Breath out. Seems like I have a lot more breathing out to do and nothing to breath in.

Spiders from Mars

Last nights dream is a little stranger than most. I was getting out of the shower and saw a spider , yes a spider and not a little one. After killing it I hung it up with the necklaces. It was aproximately 9 inches from tip to toe. Long, thin and covered with black hair, not typical spider hair but something more like fur approximately an inch long. Kinda creepy.

riding with my enemies

Last nights dream again very strange. Riding what seemed to be an endless escalator. Actually three side by side. surrounded by people everywhere. just kept moving up and up. Not a bad dream just strange.

Truth?

I have been thinking alot about truth and honesty lately... I do believe, and this may be a slightly jaded opinion, that there are multiple types of truth. The difference is largely dependent on the outcome of expressing "the truth". See, I believe that one of the kinds of truth/honesty is the type that heals and brings unity. I also believe that one of the other kinds of truth is the type that causes hurt, pain and confusion. I feel that the way "the truth" is presented is a large part of the problem that I see. Trying to force someone to see your truth is a destructive reality. True or not, it damages. More from the forcing than from the honest reality presented. Rejection does not have to be actual for it to be percieved. Even percieved rejection damages because it is real for one person. Perhaps even more so because it is not real for the other so it is never corrected. It seems that "truth" is perhaps the most subjective thing out there. One person can believe it with all their heart and another will just reject it because they cannot or will not believe that it is real. I find that in my life the truth is almost always a destructive force weilded by people and used to punish and damage others or put them in their place or make them see from someone elses perspective. It is still the cold reality of truth but the delivery is what makes the difference.

Recently I have been speaking the truth for the first time in a long time. I truly hope it is the type that heals and not the type that wounds.